Scared

It's 6am, it's raining heavily outside, and I am about to write an emotional blog post. BAM.

This morning, I suddenly woke up wide awake in a blind panic with my anxiety out of control. I can barely type this because my heart is beating so fast it's making my hands shake.

I am scared this morning - scared that it will never happen for me; that I will never make my living as a writer and my stories will just fade into the background until they are nothing but air. Time is passing, I've sacrificed a lot to do this; waking up early to write before work then coming straight home afterwards to do it all over again. I've not had much of a social life in the last few years because of it and on the days that I do, I've been too exhausted to enjoy it fully because I am too tired or thinking about what I could be doing towards my writing instead.

I don't exactly hold back on this blog and have shared how it is for the most part, but there is still a part of me wanting to mould my reality into something more hopeful, even on the days where I don't feel it; yeah, I still don't have a career in writing and all that but it's cool because blah blah blah POSITIVITY. 

I don't feel positive this morning, I feel worried and scared, and I am not going to sugar-coat it. Everything just feels bad. Bad bad bad.

If you had asked me how I was feeling on Monday though, it couldn't have been more different, and I was practically bursting with joy at all the possibilities writing held for me; the promise of a bright future. I even said to my mum on the phone, 'I'm trying to hold on to this feeling because I know it won't last'. And like an oracle, I was right. It didn't last. Isn't it amazing how we can swing from one emotion to the other at the drop of a hat.

Since my last post I have been ok. More of the same really. A lot of book admin and work on the short story Circle that is basically finished now, then for the last week - since last Wednesday to be exact - I have been editing the four short stories I wrote a few months ago that will be part of the author pen name C.R. Ward, along with Circle and my previously self-published stories Fancy That, The Dissection of Bryan Trout and My Town. If I didn't have them, I'd be in a very bad way to be honest. I loved writing them, but love editing them even more. I am surprised by how clean the first drafts are too and in the last week I have basically read through each one, editing them as I go, in the mornings before work, then working on those edits with Mum in the evening. They are mostly edits like, 'I'm' or 'I am', semi-colon or colon, full stop or dash ... I wanted to do one general edit of each short story before next week then work on each one properly, not moving on to the next till it is finished. I will be focusing most of my energy on my short stories for the foreseeable future because I can't wait to get them out there.

I am also thinking about working on another book project based on the skin condition I suffered from for over two years; red skin syndrome, but this one will be more of a community project and less about my own journey like Curing my Incurable Eczema was which I will open up to anyone who has gone through it.

At the weekend, I am going on my first holiday in years - getting on a plane and everything. I should probably say now that it is only for two and a half days, but it's something at least and I plan to actually cut off and do everything in my power to not think about anything but enjoying myself and chilling out.

Because I can't help myself, I have to end on something vaguely positive and say that I wouldn't give writing up for the world because I want it more than anything in the world. I know there will be moments of bliss and despair and fear in my future but regardless, I'll keep on pushing.

But I'm scared.

Until next time,
Cara x