I have come to the end of the first week of rewriting the novel I have talked about on this blog for nearly a year now. I have experienced extreme emotions this week - shirking the average and going straight for either delusions of grandeur and thinking the book has a real chance of getting somewhere, or thinking I am a total failure and the worst writer in the world. Having said that, I still wrote a total of 6,291 words from Monday to Thursday. I am not writing any more this week so I'll break it down day by day:
Monday 6th June 2016
WORD COUNT: 2,012
It was a wonderful writing day. For the first hour I was still getting used to writing again after such a long break but half way through the day, I really got into and it was nothing short of a joy to write.
Tuesday 7th June 2016
WORD COUNT: 2,288
A good day still and I smashed the word count but I battled a lot of fear and anxiety that I wasn't doing a very good job so became slightly mechanical in my writing - looking to old drafts and notes too much.
***Halfway through the week was when I suddenly got overwhelmed and decided I was a terrible writer and as a result, I started looking for a new profession in my head. My inclination was telling me to just give up and lament being a late-twenty something who hasn't got a clue what she wants to do with her life.***
Wednesday 8th June 2016
WORD COUNT: 1,133 words
My dear friend Fear came over for a catch up today and those 1,133 words were a real struggle to get out. Saying that, there have been a lot of moments over the last three days where I feel I've written some good stuff.
Thursday 9th June 2016
WORD COUNT: 858 words
My dear friend Fear outstayed her welcome and also invited along her big sister Doubt. Again some good work today but just hard to battle through how I was feeling.
In conclusion: I have put too much pressure on myself. There is nothing else I want to do with my life but write (...and maybe occasionally sing a Disney song - or five...). This idea particularly I feel has a real shot so naturally, I have built it all up inside my head and now if I don't feel one sentence of it is absolutely perfect, or I have to think about what to write next for over a minute, I start having doubts about my abilities and think maybe I am just not cut out for it. I know these feelings will come and go but this week I just let it get the better of me. Over 6,000 words in four days isn't bad at all, I am just putting too much pressure myself hitting word goals etc that I am not letting myself just enjoy the process, which can be wonderful.
Next week I have decided I am scrapping the word count goal and also stopping myself from looking too much at my notes and old drafts - only referring to them for plot points etc. Having to break off to refer to it is really stopping the ideas flowing and killing my urge to just write. I need to remember that it will get done when it's meant to get done. I absolutely adore writing, I just don't like how I have gone about it this week. All it boils down to really is the fact that I really want to write, I'm just so bloody scared of failing.
On that positive note, I'll see you next week (if I haven't jumped off a figurative cliff in despair by then).
Until next time.
