Yet more indulgence, but a different outlook

No waffle today and I am cutting straight to the point. I did a lot of thinking this weekend - about so many things really, but one point in particular was the way in which I conduct myself and the version of me that I want to share with the world. Whilst I do value honesty (so much), I do believe that by projecting the negatives in black and white on this blog will only perpetuate the negativity and give it the right ingredients to grow into a much bigger problem, and so I am choosing not to do it anymore. That doesn't mean I will not share how I am really feeling from now on, but more that I will choose to give it to you differently. I have always loved life and been a total optimist, but over the last year especially, I have let that side of me be chipped away by fear and insecurity. I have decided I am not going to let it any more - at least as far as this blog is concerned, and in that department I have total control. I can choose exactly how to feel about something, how to deal with it. I will share a few points I have jotted down since my last post about what I have been up to, and although some of them may come across negatively, I am sharing how I was feeling at the time - before I decided I was going to do things differently - and because of my aforementioned love of honesty, I thought I'd give them to you exactly how I wrote 'em.

On Sunday 12th January, I felt bleak again. Naturally, more indulgent poetry was written, followed by a very indulgent phone call with my mum after I sent her said indulgent poetry which concerned her greatly. During the day I also started to think more about a new idea for a short story I'd had earlier in the week and that night, I wrote 1,037 words of it.

The following evening, I had the most wonderful time. I was cosy and warm as the rain poured outside and spent a couple of very lovely hours working on the short story and ended up writing 2,333 words.

On Tuesday night, even though I was tired, I curled up on the sofa again and as the wind howled, I wrote a further 2,025 words.

I decided to have a break on Wednesday evening (15th Jan), but the following night I continued working on it and roughly finished the first draft, writing another 1,465 words and bringing the total up to 6,860.

Last night, I read through it, tarting it up as I went along, and officially finished the first draft which came in at 7,028 words. You might say that the first draft was actually finished last Thursday, but I never feel like it's truly done until I've been through it once before sending it to Mum. It's my little tradition, with these short stories in particular, and something I enjoy immensely.

I think I shall leave it there. I mentioned in my last post that my life for the next few months will involve a lot of editing, which I still plan on doing. My priority is the non-fiction book I wrote last November before working on the three short stories I have written since then. I have made very few social plans, and I don't intend on making any more until I am done. I plan to completely lose myself in these projects that I loved writing so much, and I am very excited to do so ... thought I'd end on a positive.

Until next time,
Cara x

A bit of indulgent poetry

It's amazing to me that I have managed to keep this blog updated for well over five years now. I set it up in the first place because I wanted to keep a diary of sorts where I could document the writing process and (hopefully) in the end, make writing my full time job. On the whole, I am a pretty positive person, and although I have suffered over the years from terrible anxiety, disappointments and sad situations, I have always retained a hope that things will work out in the end. What I think has been interesting over the last year is my change in outlook and now I am either bubbling with an excitement I can barely contain, or feel weighed down by crippling fear that it may never happen - any of it. Maybe it's age and thinking about boring stuff like pensions and mortgages and family, but I entered this brand new decade petrified. Now, I am slowly starting to feel better again, and I put that entirely down to writing.

Don't get me wrong, I loved having time off over Christmas, and it was a wonderful and 'novel' thing to not know what day it was or be bound by a schedule, but during the last few days of 2019, I started to feel down, which continued into the New Year and by Thursday 2nd, as I walked home late, I felt odd. It wasn't really about writing, and more a numbness about life in general - a hopelessness. Sadness is one thing, but this was something I had never experienced before. Naturally, because I can't help myself, I decided to put those feelings into some indulgent poetry, which I wrote into the notes app on my phone as I walked home, and by the following morning, I had written three poems - one big, one small and another a mere six words long. Writing those poems gave me a boost that I desperately needed and through this thick fog that had settled over my mind, I could see that little spark of excitement. Over the next few days, I downed tools, which I thought would help, but instead I felt the numbness descend over me once more - although this time it was mixed with sadness. I really started to worry about this year and what was going to happen, but by Monday, I started reading through the book I wrote last November as part of NaNoWriMo and suddenly felt very excited. I think in the time since writing it, I started to worry that it was going to be bad, but it wasn't. Granted, it's a first draft so it needs a lot of editing, but I know it's got potential and I'll have a book at the end of it. I finished reading through it early this morning as I couldn't sleep, and afterwards, I even had time before work to write an extra chapter I felt it needed that I'd been thinking about for a little while and acted like the missing part of a jigsaw. I wrote 1,106 words over about 40 minutes, bringing the total of it up to 54,464 words. Even though it does need work, it should be a relatively cleanish edit. I have decided to start working on it next Monday and I can't wait to get stuck in.

Last night, I also worked on the poems I wrote last Thursday and plan on popping them up on Instagram over the next week or so. Just like with my books, I don't want to over-edit the poems as I do think it can take something vital and important away from your work.

In other news, the updates for Weighting to Live are all up and the whole series is on KDP Select, like all my short stories and Just Julia.

And just like that, I've written way more than I intended to. Why I'm still surprised by this after years of waffly blog posts is beyond me.

I promise I shall stop now. For the foreseeable future, my life will be a sea of edits and I assume many changing and turbulent emotions. For the first time ever, I have not set any goals or resolutions and have just decided to go with the flow and embrace whatever this year has to offer.

2020, please be kind.

Until next time,
Cara x