A change of heart

Oh how changeable life can be. One day, you can feel so strongly and passionately about something or how you feel, then the next, it can be the total opposite. That has been the case for me. I started the week feeling more scared and burned out than ever, but as I write this post, I couldn't feel more content. I was so consumed with emotion that late on Monday night, I even wrote a blog post about how I was feeling, which I will share now (exactly as I wrote it):


Original title: The flame has finally gone out 

I am writing this at just gone half twelve on a very rainy Monday night/early Tuesday morning. For the last few years especially I have pushed myself further than I should and really been silly when it comes to tipping the scales off balance, but I’m finally burned out. I have nothing left to give. I don't mean in a dramatic, 'I’m going to do something to myself' way, but more, at this moment in time, I have nothing left to give. My brain feels as if it is so stuffed with anxiety and pressure and fear of the future that any happy thoughts and feelings are bouncing off me like a tennis ball. There is no more room at the inn. I am sitting in bed, a little tipsy after coming home from a work do, and feel nothing. On the periphery, there is feeling desperate to get in, but there it will stay.

As time is passing, excitement is slowly turning to fear. What the fuck am I going to do? With writing, I’ve put all my eggs in one bloody full basket and sacrificed so much to pursue this thing that the law of averages says I will fail at, but the worst (or best part, I don’t know) is that I will never give up.

I know how depressing this must sound, but this is, after all, a writing journal of sorts. I have always been completely honest in my little corner of the internet and I don’t intend on stopping now.

***

I know I will feel like this again, but for now, I am going to hold onto that lovely warm glow that surrounds me and try to remember in the darker times that things can change.

I have spent the last few weeks since my last post updating my Weighting to Live series, which is now set up ready for the new year and means I can actually take some time off from tomorrow until 2020. I have actually banned myself from working or writing or doing anything remotely productive and instead, I will simply revel in the nothingness. So all that leaves me to say is, Merry Christmas, and I hope you all have a very Happy New Year.

Until next time,
Cara x