Advice from a self-confessed mess

It's been a while. That is not to say that nothing's happened - far from it. There has been so much going on in fact that I need to nutshell everything within an inch of its life in order to not break some kind of new waffly record.

I'm doing ok. For a long while I felt completely burnt out, but what's new? I worked a lot on the NaNoWriMo draft, which didn't help. It got to the point where I had read and edited it so much that I probably knew the thing by heart, so I had to take a couple of weeks away from the project and book stuff in general which helped immensely. I'll elaborate on that side of it later, but talking of the NaNoWriMo draft, I am excited to share that it is being released as an eBook and paperback this Friday called, Stuff I'll Tell You To Do That I Won't Do Myself: Advice from a self-confessed mess. I think the title probably makes the book pretty self-explanatory, but here is the blurb for it anyway:


Part self-help book, part memoir … with a twist.

Cara takes you through the events that have shaped her life – from a skin condition which left her housebound and compulsions that made her feel mentally isolated, to her struggles to communicate after trauma and her battle with anxiety. It includes some observations on life and the lessons she has learned from pain – but whether she takes her own advice is another story ...

This book covers:
~ Anxiety
~ Disordered eating
~ The destructive nature of fear
~ Comparison in the age of social media
~ Identity
~ A new take on shyness
~ Dating
~ Growing up with red hair
~ Transformation
~ Panicking
~ Chronic skin conditions
~ Trichotillomania and dermatillomania
~ An (OVER) organised mind
… and much more.

It is broken up into two parts, with the first part written in late 2019, and the second during the summer of 2020 after the events that made this year what it is and how it affected one thirty-something woman trying to navigate it all.

She is not an expert on life – she is a mess.

***

I'll break down all the work I've done on it since my last post as there is a lot to cover, but it's a little complicated to explain because I decided in early June to add a Part 2 to the book, so I think I'll start with that side of things:

• On Wednesday 10th June, after feeling like the book needed to be expanded after everything that's happened this year, I started writing a Part 2. I'd already written around 418 words in advance as a sort of outline with some ideas etc. with a further 511 words on the Wednesday then 386 words on Thursday 11th June. They are very low word counts for me, but pretty good considering during both days I was working on edits for Part 1. 
• I didn't do any more work on Part 2 for three days until Monday 15th June when, after a really successful day, I felt excited and inspired and ended up writing 2,017 words. The following day I was only able to start writing at 9pm, but ended up writing an additional 1,112 words.
• On Wednesday 17th, I had a night off (and watched the film Splash if you were interested - it's still great), but the next day I was ready to get on again. Once more, I could only start at 9pm, but I still ended up writing 1,201 words. 
• On Friday 19th June, over the day, I wrote 2,869 more words. Broken down, I did 407 words in the morning, 958 words in the afternoon and 1,504 words in the evening (although half of those words were copied over from existing work - regardless, I'm still putting it as part of my word count).
• With that, I ended up roughly finishing Part 2, bringing the total word count to 8,528. 
• Over a few hours on Monday 22nd June, I went over everything I had written before sending it off to Mum for her opinion and ended up bringing up the total to 9,186 words meaning I inadvertently wrote 658 more words.

Right, that's everything for Part 2, so now I'll cover how editing the whole book went.

• On Monday 11th May, I did a read through/edit of the book which I finished on Tuesday and on Wednesday 13th May, Mum and I went through my edits which we finished on Friday 15th May.
• I tried to work on the book again on Monday 18th May, but had to give up. Mum wanted to read through it on her own anyway, and we went through her edits over the first week of June, which we finished before reading through it again from Wednesday 10th June. Mum and I took a break for the weekend then started reading through it again on Monday 15th June. We finished on the morning of Thursday 18th June, and it was during this read through that it felt like it was nearly there; something had shifted and it was now a book instead of a draft, if that makes sense. 
• On Monday 22nd June, Mum and I started to work through the draft again, but I suddenly snapped and knew that if I looked at those dratted words again, I'd go crazy, so we took a break and over the day I read through/edited Part 2 (the part I could bear to read as it was still new) and on Wednesday 24th June, we went through my edits before I put both parts together. In the afternoon, we started reading through the whole draft again then began work on it again on Monday 29th. We eventually finished that read through on Tuesday 7th July and on Thursday 9th July, we did a quick read through, changing all wes to yous. I had been debating for a while whether to do 'we' or 'you' (remember it's a non-fiction self-help book) but I finally settled on you, for the most part. My whole thinking behind 'we' initially was that I wanted the book to feel like 'we are all in this together', and by having you, I was worried that it would feel a little detached, but after some research online, and doing a lot of thinking, you made the most sense.
• Mum and I then tried to read through it yet again on Monday 13th July, but this was the aforementioned day that I realised I'd read it too much and had lost all objectivity. I was bloody fed up with it to be honest, and so we read through/edited Part 2 which we finished the same day. Mum then said she would read through the whole book once more (she is a saint) as I literally couldn't see those words again otherwise I think my eyes would have started bleeding.
• It took Mum a few weeks, and during that time, I decided to take a step back from all work. When she was done (I didn't make a note of the date), we went through her edits.
• Something remarkable happened on Sunday 9th August: I finally felt like reading through my book again, which I did over two days and loved it. Whilst I was pleasantly surprised with the book itself, what I really loved was woking through it and making edits as I went. Mum simultaneously read through the book on her own, and on Wednesday 12th August, we came together again and went through both sets of our edits which we finished working through the following day. 
• After that, I began work on the after: the cover (hello Canva, we meet again), the blurb, announcing the book on Instagram, setting up the paperback and ebook files, STUFF THAT IS SO SMALL BUT TAKES THE LONGEST TIME IN THE WORLD).

If I'm being honest, I think this has been the toughest book I've ever had to edit. I'm not sure if that is because it deals with some very hard times in my life, or whether this strange year with all its twists and turns made it harder, or a bit of both. Regardless, it's done now and I hope those who end up reading it, like it.

In other writing news ...

On Thursday 9th July, I started working on a new short story which was sparked by something very small and random. I didn't have a clue what was going to happen in it, but I still ended up writing 1,590 words after dinner. On Friday 10th, over an hour or two, I wrote another 1,447 words and ended up finishing it, bringing the total word count to 3,037. It is about half the size of my usual short stories, but who cares?

On the evening of Sunday 12th July, I started writing a new short story I'd had an idea for and wrote about 779 words. I was very distracted (I was on dating apps concurrently - it didn't go well), but pleased to have made a good start on it before the week had even begun. I was too tired to work on the story again until Thursday 16th July when I wrote 1,095 words over an hour or so before lunch, bringing the total to 1,874. In the afternoon, I wrote another 2,133 words. I wrote 345 words after dinner, which was a struggle as I think it had hit me that I'd written a lot and suddenly felt at the end. I really had to dig deep to find the words. After it was pretty much done, I read through it, making quick edits and changes as I went, and officially finished the first draft which came in at 4,624 words before sending the story straight to Mum for her opinion, as per.

Seeing as we're on the subject of short stories, I've been doing some thinking about them and what's best so when I've established more of a solid plan, I'll share what I'm going to do with them...

Book wise, I've read a fair bit but there were two standouts (... although saying that, there might be some excellent books I've completely forgotten about):

• I reread The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I read it for the first time in my late teens and honestly didn't understand what all the fuss was about, but this time, I certainly did, and it just blew me away. I borrowed my mum's copy, but I am going to get my own as it is one of those books I want to highlight entire sections of and keep on my bedside table. A wonderful book that feeds your soul.
• The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. One of the most divine books I've ever read that from the first page will reduce you to happy, poignant tears. Lessons on life shared in the form of beautiful illustrations and quotes. Just like The Alchemist, I am keeping it on my bedside table as a reminder of how I'd like to live my life.

You'll be pleased to know I'm out of news to share and so I will leave it there for now. 

Until next time,

Cara x

The gift of time

Corona is still a thing, I'm still furloughed as a result of it, meaning I still have time, and of all my mistakes, I know I can look back on this strange period of my life and feel reassured that I've done the best I can with it. That doesn't stop the negative voices from creeping in and telling me that I could be doing more during the times where I dare to take my foot off the pedal for even a moment. I've battled feelings like this for years and it's ironically always been my downfall. I've never been very kind to myself, but for the most part, I'm ok and embracing this period of my life as best I can. I'm also trying to remember that this time is not normal, therefore what we do within it, won't be normal. I've found that the time also feels thicker to me - like I'm wading through mud. But I haven't sunk yet, and I don't intend to.

For want of a better word, I've been good. Good as in I'm trying to find the positives of the situation and holding onto them then discarding the aforementioned negatives where possible. With this gift of time, I've been able to do things that I've not had the time do to before and also take up old activities I love which I only stopped doing in the first place through fear. I've also started running and have just finished week 3 of the brilliant NHS app, Couch to 5K. I have had a phobia of running for many years and for a very long time, I thought, 'I can't do that!' Turns out I can. I've said that about a lot of things in my life and formed an opinion based on flimsy evidence until it's concrete. So there you go. I shan't be running marathons any time soon, but I can run for 3 minutes now without stopping and to me, that's amazing.

I've received some overwhelmingly lovely messages about my books recently (especially the non-fiction ones) and even though it isn't my full time job yet, the satisfaction I feel knowing others are responding well to my work is just wonderful and makes the tiredness and sacrifices I've made over the last few years, worth it. Today, you've already been treated to almost three paragraphs of waffle and I still haven't mentioned what I've been writing and working on since my last post, and it's quite a lot actually, so without further ado, I'll get on with it.

The main project I have been focussing on is the draft I wrote as part of NaNoWriMo last year and on Monday 6th April, I picked up where I'd left off earlier in the year and did a rather intense first edit of it, which I finished the following Friday (10th April). Straight after finishing it, that evening, I decided to write an additional chapter for the book which ended up being 996 words long. The total word count after the first edit was 63,726, so it basically went up by 10,000, although a lot of the words were just there for editing purposes. On Tuesday 14th April, I started going over those edits with my chief (only) sounding board and editor, my mother, for around 4-5 hours a day and on Saturday 25th April, we finished, bringing the current total back down to 52,548 words.

On Monday 27th April, I went through the book again, which I finished two days later before working on those edits once more with Mum on Thursday and Friday. I had planned to start another read through/edit this Monday (4th May) but to be honest, I don't think I was in right head space for it and the words were almost a blur on the page every time I tried to look at them. Probably doesn't help that somehow around working on this book, I've also written three new short stories totalling 19,472 words. I shall elaborate ...


SHORT STORY #1 (yay for a return to bullet points)

• I started writing the story on Thursday 16th April after having the idea for it earlier in the week and ended up writing a total of 1,126 words.
• On Friday 17th, I pottered about with the story for a bit and wrote 478 words.
• After a few days break from it, on Wednesday 22nd April, I wrote 1,077 more words.
• Over an hour during the day on Thursday 23rd April, I wrote 1404 words, then in the evening, I wrote another 950, but I was very distracted.
• On Friday 24th April, I wrote a total of 2,354 words.
• In any spare moments over the day on Saturday 25th April, I wrote 841 words.
• On Sunday 26th April, I finished the short story which came in at 7341 words before finally sending it to Mum.

SHORT STORY #2

For a few days, the idea for another short story had been brewing and on the evening of Wednesday 29th April, I wrote 1,095 words. That Thursday, I wrote 1,006 words in an hour or so during the day then in the evening, I wrote a further 1,163 words. On Friday 1st May, I looked at it for a bit, pottering and adding the odd word and changing bits and bobs, but nothing more. The next day before breakfast, I wrote 1,411 words then afterwards, wrote another 978 words and ended up finishing the story, coming in at 5653 words in total, which I then sent to Mum.

I had a very up and down experience writing this one. A lot of the time it felt like a slog, with little bursts of inspiration along the way which made up for the slogginess - I don't care if that isn't a word.


SHORT STORY #3

A little while ago on a very dark day mentally earlier this year, I started working on a new short story and wrote around 350 words. On Monday 27th April, I decided to start working on it again, bringing up the total to 725 words, but had to give up soon after as I was so tired. I tried writing it again on the 28th and 29th, but had to stop once more due to tiredness. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I was in the right place to do it, but on Monday 4th May, after not being able to edit the NaNoWriMo draft that I have already discussed above, I was ready to work on it again and although I was not in a good headspace, I think, due to the subject matter, it actually helped. Before and after breakfast I wrote 1,360 words, then between the afternoon and early evening I wrote a further 1,551 words.

Aforementioned pancakes.

The following day, I pottered about with it, but did very little, only writing 203 words - it was just a very MEH day in general, then on Wednesday 6th May, I pottered about with it again and over the day, managed 1,259 words. When I woke up on Thursday 7th May, I felt ready to work on it and ended up writing 575 words and by the end, I had really got into it, although I knew I'd needed to go back over the story and sort a lot out, which I did after pancakes for breakfast and finished the first draft properly by dinner time (never not thinking about food), bringing the final total for the first draft to 6478 words. My long suffering mum was then of course sent what I had written.

Again, this short story was a bit of a slog at times where I had little bursts of excitement along the way, although they were certainly short lived.


In non-word count news, I decided to rejoin Twitter at the end of last week and I actually feel like this time will be right for me after previous attempts have felt a little forced, maybe. So far, I'm using it to track my word counts (always about the word counts) along with other silliness. Since my last post, I have also made the decision to not write any more until I am at least close to making it my full time job. Whilst you know if you have ever read this blog before that I have a serious allergy to marketing, I need to do it (sob). I am now making some money as a writer, but not enough to live on, and whilst that's amazing, I know I cannot return to a life of writing around my full time job - I'm just too old and tired for that. I want to have time off and not feel guilty about not using it to write. I want to watch a film and not think about what I could be writing. I want to read a book in bed without thinking about all the stories I could be plotting. I'm tired. I love writing, but I don't love the crazy early morning starts and lack of a social life. Although I still have the NaNoWriMo draft and six short stories to edit so for now, that will be my life before I can even think about marketing (yay!).

Before this turns into a British War and Peace, I think I will have to end it here, so until next time,
Cara x

Finding light in the darkness

It's hard to write this without first acknowledging the big C: Corona. We all know exactly what it is, and how it has effectively brought the world to its knees, so I won't bother repeating what thousands of news outlets and social media posts have already said, but I will share how the situation has affected me. I'll preface this by saying that mentally I have just come out of three of the hardest months of my life. I still don't feel 100%, but compared to January, February and March, it's an improvement. For a while, everything just felt black - as if I had wandered off the path and completely lost my way. It's probably hard to imagine feeling better now in the midst of all this uncertainty than I did when things were ok in the world, but there you go. Ultimately, your mind is the boss and will dictate how you feel, no matter what's going on. 

As far as writing is concerned, over the last few months I've definitely done a lot of book-related stuff, but honestly, I can't remember what happened yesterday so trying to unravel it all is difficult. What I can tell you is that I am about 80 pages in to a thorough first edit of the book I wrote last November as part of NaNoWriMo. The book is about 120 pages in total (I'm talking about a single spaced word document here and would be wayyyyyy longer if formatted for a paperback) so it's getting there. I know I have done a lot of other stuff over the last few months, but who the hell knows.  

On the 16th March, the company I work for decided to temporarily close due to Corona (I work for a nightclub so enough said), although I've ended up working till today which has been stressful, but around that, I've found myself feeling better mentally and as a result, I have done a lot of thinking - if you have read this blog before then you will know that I do this on a regular basis. You might already be aware that for many years I have been embroiled in an ongoing saga with my covers - they have just never been right. In the past I have shared how happy I was with them when in reality there was always a little voice inside my head telling me they still weren't right, no matter what I did. Well, for the last two weeks, I have been working on them to the point where I finally feel satisfied. For the first time, they actually look like covers and not something I did myself. Here are the new (and hopefully improved) covers:

Ok, now back to Corona. No matter how you look at it, this situation is tough, but in the midst of all this uncertainty, I have been given something incredible - time. As a result of the government offering 80% of all lost wages to workers who are unable to do their job during this period, for the next few months (at least) it means I am essentially going to be paid to write. Real time to completely focus on the things I want to do for the rest of my life and not just a stolen few hours before and after my day job when I'm shattered. I am still nervous about everything, and in a perpetual state of heightened anxiety, but I am also excited. This week I have been tying up all loose ends and catching up on any outstanding book admin (of which there is a lot) before I can really focus on editing my NaNoWriMo book from last year. 

.... aaaaaaaaaand she's done it again - a rather lengthy blog post where all I've ended up saying is, 'I have no job for the next few months and I'm going to use the time to write'.

I'll be back soon, I'm sure, with more unnecessary words, so until next time,

Cara x   

P.S. Stay safe x

Yet more indulgence, but a different outlook

No waffle today and I am cutting straight to the point. I did a lot of thinking this weekend - about so many things really, but one point in particular was the way in which I conduct myself and the version of me that I want to share with the world. Whilst I do value honesty (so much), I do believe that by projecting the negatives in black and white on this blog will only perpetuate the negativity and give it the right ingredients to grow into a much bigger problem, and so I am choosing not to do it anymore. That doesn't mean I will not share how I am really feeling from now on, but more that I will choose to give it to you differently. I have always loved life and been a total optimist, but over the last year especially, I have let that side of me be chipped away by fear and insecurity. I have decided I am not going to let it any more - at least as far as this blog is concerned, and in that department I have total control. I can choose exactly how to feel about something, how to deal with it. I will share a few points I have jotted down since my last post about what I have been up to, and although some of them may come across negatively, I am sharing how I was feeling at the time - before I decided I was going to do things differently - and because of my aforementioned love of honesty, I thought I'd give them to you exactly how I wrote 'em.

On Sunday 12th January, I felt bleak again. Naturally, more indulgent poetry was written, followed by a very indulgent phone call with my mum after I sent her said indulgent poetry which concerned her greatly. During the day I also started to think more about a new idea for a short story I'd had earlier in the week and that night, I wrote 1,037 words of it.

The following evening, I had the most wonderful time. I was cosy and warm as the rain poured outside and spent a couple of very lovely hours working on the short story and ended up writing 2,333 words.

On Tuesday night, even though I was tired, I curled up on the sofa again and as the wind howled, I wrote a further 2,025 words.

I decided to have a break on Wednesday evening (15th Jan), but the following night I continued working on it and roughly finished the first draft, writing another 1,465 words and bringing the total up to 6,860.

Last night, I read through it, tarting it up as I went along, and officially finished the first draft which came in at 7,028 words. You might say that the first draft was actually finished last Thursday, but I never feel like it's truly done until I've been through it once before sending it to Mum. It's my little tradition, with these short stories in particular, and something I enjoy immensely.

I think I shall leave it there. I mentioned in my last post that my life for the next few months will involve a lot of editing, which I still plan on doing. My priority is the non-fiction book I wrote last November before working on the three short stories I have written since then. I have made very few social plans, and I don't intend on making any more until I am done. I plan to completely lose myself in these projects that I loved writing so much, and I am very excited to do so ... thought I'd end on a positive.

Until next time,
Cara x

A bit of indulgent poetry

It's amazing to me that I have managed to keep this blog updated for well over five years now. I set it up in the first place because I wanted to keep a diary of sorts where I could document the writing process and (hopefully) in the end, make writing my full time job. On the whole, I am a pretty positive person, and although I have suffered over the years from terrible anxiety, disappointments and sad situations, I have always retained a hope that things will work out in the end. What I think has been interesting over the last year is my change in outlook and now I am either bubbling with an excitement I can barely contain, or feel weighed down by crippling fear that it may never happen - any of it. Maybe it's age and thinking about boring stuff like pensions and mortgages and family, but I entered this brand new decade petrified. Now, I am slowly starting to feel better again, and I put that entirely down to writing.

Don't get me wrong, I loved having time off over Christmas, and it was a wonderful and 'novel' thing to not know what day it was or be bound by a schedule, but during the last few days of 2019, I started to feel down, which continued into the New Year and by Thursday 2nd, as I walked home late, I felt odd. It wasn't really about writing, and more a numbness about life in general - a hopelessness. Sadness is one thing, but this was something I had never experienced before. Naturally, because I can't help myself, I decided to put those feelings into some indulgent poetry, which I wrote into the notes app on my phone as I walked home, and by the following morning, I had written three poems - one big, one small and another a mere six words long. Writing those poems gave me a boost that I desperately needed and through this thick fog that had settled over my mind, I could see that little spark of excitement. Over the next few days, I downed tools, which I thought would help, but instead I felt the numbness descend over me once more - although this time it was mixed with sadness. I really started to worry about this year and what was going to happen, but by Monday, I started reading through the book I wrote last November as part of NaNoWriMo and suddenly felt very excited. I think in the time since writing it, I started to worry that it was going to be bad, but it wasn't. Granted, it's a first draft so it needs a lot of editing, but I know it's got potential and I'll have a book at the end of it. I finished reading through it early this morning as I couldn't sleep, and afterwards, I even had time before work to write an extra chapter I felt it needed that I'd been thinking about for a little while and acted like the missing part of a jigsaw. I wrote 1,106 words over about 40 minutes, bringing the total of it up to 54,464 words. Even though it does need work, it should be a relatively cleanish edit. I have decided to start working on it next Monday and I can't wait to get stuck in.

Last night, I also worked on the poems I wrote last Thursday and plan on popping them up on Instagram over the next week or so. Just like with my books, I don't want to over-edit the poems as I do think it can take something vital and important away from your work.

In other news, the updates for Weighting to Live are all up and the whole series is on KDP Select, like all my short stories and Just Julia.

And just like that, I've written way more than I intended to. Why I'm still surprised by this after years of waffly blog posts is beyond me.

I promise I shall stop now. For the foreseeable future, my life will be a sea of edits and I assume many changing and turbulent emotions. For the first time ever, I have not set any goals or resolutions and have just decided to go with the flow and embrace whatever this year has to offer.

2020, please be kind.

Until next time,
Cara x