Welcome to hell: the submission process. Part five, I'm finished

And so, around an hour ago, I sent off my last email to the agents – but before I go into all of that, I'll update you on everything that's happened since my last post. 

Last week, I went through quite possibly every single emotion a human can experience, but from Wednesday onwards, I landed on calm(ish) with an uneasiness in my chest after all the emotions of the last few weeks. Aside from applying to literary agents, I've not been feeling too great mentally as there has been a lot going on.

After finishing the final read-through last Monday, I then completed the synopsis for each short story and worked on the cover letter to every agent. I then put all the short stories together in one word document and it was then that it really hit me just how much work had gone into every single one and that now it was an actual book filled with 79,864 words. Awkwardly, last week, I also realised that I can't count as I realised that I wasn't applying to nine agents, like I'd said, but eight. Apart from that, the week just slipped through my fingers and time passed, filled with admin and other stuff that needed to be done. For some reason, last Friday, my mum decided that she wanted to read every single short story again (just for fun) and she ended up sending me a couple of minor edits. After going through each story with a fine tooth comb, it's astounding that there were STILL typos and punctuation etc. that needed to be added. After I had done all that, I cut off for the weekend. 

This morning, after breakfast, I began sending out emails to the agents, but it took so long because I was so scared of sending the wrong thing or making any kind of mistake that might stop them from taking my submission seriously. When I was finished, I felt very positive as I knew that I had done everything I could and they will either like them or they won't. I remain realistic and am just excited for the future, whatever it holds. 

As of this morning, I feel much better mentally, but I am looking forward to taking some time off. Time to switch off my head completely and have some nothingness. 

Looking back over the last seven years of writing, I have made made so many mistakes, but I have also learned so much, about writing and myself, so even the bad stuff becomes good. I feel at peace and like I'm in a new chapter with my writing. I feel myself getting very corny, so I shall leave it there.

Until next time

Cara x

Welcome to hell: the submission process. Part four, giving up

I am doing this post because all I want to do is give up. I'd like to sneak away in the dead of night then huddle in the corner of a dark cave, abandoning any hopes of writing for a living, and just stare at the ceiling of my new stone home. I feel awful. I want to stuff my face with chocolate (because there is a dangerous amount of it in my house right now) and forget that I ever wanted to try in the first place. In the last ten years I have completely changed as a person, but there are times when the old me will appear and try and wreak bloody havoc. Today I feel like the old spirit Cara has invaded my body. I want to cry - sob - and partake in old destructive behaviours, like giving up. 

Yesterday, I actually felt ok. I basically spent the day reading through the eight short stories I've been editing with Mum. As we don't live together, we read them out over the phone. We did them from morning to night, only stopping for lunch. For most of the day, I felt so happy and at peace with the whole process. I was all about embracing the unknown and generally felt very happy with the stories. Towards the end of the day, when we were reading through the last half of the last short story, I lost the will to live, but it was fine in the end and mostly down to hunger and not getting enough sleep. Last night I went to bed satisfied that I would be sending the stories to the agents in the best shape I could make them and they will either like them or they won't. 

Today though, feelings of inadequacy have become almost unbearable and a dialogue something along the lines of YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WRITER, WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOTHERING has been running around my brain on a loop. I am really struggling. I actually feel sick to my stomach right now. It's overwhelming. I feel like I know nothing. I think these feelings were triggered when I continued to work on the synopsis for each short story and tried to put them all in the right order. I then decided to just quickly look at what every agent wanted, and it just set me off.

I know I will feel better again, but for now, I'm just stuck in this black hole and can't imagine finding a way out of it. 

I am being very hard on myself right now, and if someone else were to treat me the way I'm treating myself, I'd never want to speak to them again as they'd be one of the most toxic people I'd ever met in my life. 

I'm going to eat some lunch, have some chocolate (that won't be half as indulgent as this post has been), then remind myself that tomorrow is another day. 

Until next time

Cara x

Welcome to hell: the submission process. Part three, doing uncomfortable things

So the literary agent search continues and this week in particular has truly made me realise that I haven't got a bloody clue what I'm doing. It's like the road to getting published is this really high wall, and there is no way to climb up it and instead some people sitting at the top shouting down at me to not bother in the first place. I've definitely had blissful moments where I'll think about buying approximately one kilo of chocolate and just giving up on this crazy idea of trying to get a literary agent. I won't, but both parts of that fantasy seem appealing right now. I will at least be fulfilling part of it this morning by having the best thing to ever happen to me: Extra Chocolatey Hot Cross Buns from Marks & Spencer for breakfast (pictured). I genuinely have no words for how good they are.

I'll quickly do a little run down of everything I've done this week. First thing on Monday morning I started reading through/editing my short stories and finished them on Wednesday. At this point, all I'm really doing is faffing about with commas. I will be reading through them once more with Mum on the phone next week before banning myself from looking at them anymore. 

On Thursday, I continued my literary agent search. As a recap, last week, I whittled down potential agents to sixteen and now I have nine which I am definitely going to apply to. I have to say, I was pretty surprised that I took seven off my original list from last week as I seemed pretty set on all of them, but this time around, after further research, I knew some of them just weren't right. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, it was a struggle to take them off the list because I have always found it hard to go against decisions I've previously made. It's like being stubborn with myself. But I am learning to be uncomfortable going against this resistant side of me and it feels good. 

Yesterday morning, I wrote a proper list of everything that needs to be done which has made me feel much calmer. Organising always has that effect on me and when I haven't written everything down, I feel completely lost at sea and drowning in all the work. Then, after I'd done the list, I start writing out the synopses for all the short stories as that is one of the things all the agents ask for. I'm keeping it as concise as possible because it would just be too big otherwise. 

This week, I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the whole submission process. I've realised that I will never really know if any of them are going to be right for me, and I could be making a massive mistake because no matter what, so much of it is a giant gamble. Even if an agent literally wrote that they are looking for a carbon copy of whatever I wanted to send them, I might be wrong for them, but I won't know that till it got to a point where they'd take me on and we worked together – lols, I make this sound so easy and one of them is going to take me on at the drop of a hat. I write short stories, I'm already in a bad enough position. It's like with dating or going on the apps, you can have a type in your head, but until you start interacting with them, you won't know if they will be right for you. It's very rare you actually end up with your type. It's sad, both with agents AND dating as I could have disregarded the most perfect agent for me because on paper they didn't fit exactly what I – or they – was looking for. 

Next week, I am going to be focussing on reading through the short stories for the last time, getting the synopses written, the cover letters for each agent finished, and potentially even emailing them. That might be a tad ambitious, but I'm just going to do what I can and see. 

Until next time

Cara x

Welcome to hell: the submission process. Part two, still feeling like an impostor

Cruffins in all their doughy glory

Part one (here).

So I thought I'd do a quick blog post with a little old update before I down tools for the weekend. 

On Thursday, there was a lot more impostor syndrome as I began to whittle down the forty literary agents I'd long listed on Wednesday. Today, I finished going through that list and now I currently have sixteen agents that I really like. 

It's interesting, looking at the long list this time, some were an instant no. In part, I am going a lot on my gut instinct and the vibe I get about someone. Even from the way they write, I'm just getting this instantaneous response. Of course, I am also reading closely which authors they already represent, and what they are looking for, but I think sometimes a yes or no answer comes to you, and most of the time, you've got to trust it. 

On Monday, I will start to do thorough research on each agent to make sure we would be the right fit. I just don't want to waste their time if we'd be wrong for each other as I know they all probably receive one million emails a day from writers seeking representation. What's great is that all the agents I like so far appear to have Twitter accounts, so that's a pretty excellent start. 

Before I go, I thought I'd share that something called cruffins exist. Essentially a croissant/muffin hybrid, they are truly a modern day wonder that helped me deal with my impostor syndrome rather nicely today. 

Until next time

Cara x

Welcome to hell: the submission process. Part one, impostor syndrome

So this is my first post on the submission process as I seek to gain representation for my collection of short stories. I wanted to write this to basically offload some thoughts and feelings that have been swimming around my brain for the last few hours. 

I am unsure whether I am about to have a panic attack or not.

Yesterday, I began collating a long list of potential literary agents from the Writers & Artists Yearbook 2021 (a massive book filled with actual gold) and two minutes ago, I finished. Yesterday, I was in a great mood about it all, and positively bursting with excitement and nervous energy. But today, I am a mess and feel like a total impostor. For the last few hours, as I have looked at all these glittering agency websites filled to the brim with successful authors, all I've been thinking is, How could I ever be one of them? What's the point of me even sending in my pathetic bunch of tripe?!

I am trying to tell myself thoughts like these are just part of the process, but actually believing them today is tricky. Like I can see how I need to feel, but it's through a window that is locked so instead I'm standing outside in the cold, wistfully looking in. 

I've just had a conversation with my mum, who could not have called at a more appropriate moment, just as I was on the verge of the aforementioned panic attack. After a load of indulgence on my part, she told me that I need to stop looking at the bigger picture and instead focus on today and finish editing the short stories (which are nearly done), so that is what I am going to do, but with a slightly anxious heart.

Tomorrow, I will start going through the long list of agents in more detail. They say to only apply to 8-10 at a time, so I will use that as a guide to create a list that is right for me. I have about forty to go through, but I already know there are some that I have to apply to as soon as humanly possible, then others that probably aren't going to be a good fit. I am not going to rush the process and only apply to those that I feel are completely right for me.

I actually feel much better already for getting this all off my chest. Sometimes just sharing these feelings diminishes their hold on you to the point where they become manageable. And they all lived happily ever after.

Until next time

Cara x

A new record

Wow ok. So it's been nearly five months since my last update, but trust me when I say that it isn't because nothing has been going on - quite the opposite. I feel like that line is becoming a bit of a tradition on this blog now. Another long-running tradition is to say I shall keep this post brief - yet another tradition is that that statement a total lie and this post will be monstrous in size (I am very, very sorry). As it's been nearly five months since my last update, naturally, I have a lot to say, although some of the details are a little hazy now as it's been so long, but I will try to remember what I can. 

Straight after my last blog post I focussed mostly on book admin for a few weeks:

• I added my non-fiction works, Curing my Incurable Eczema and Stuff I'll Tell You To Do That I Won't Do Myself to Apple Books. If I'm being totally honest, the whole process was a bit of a faff, especially with the formatting, but I got there in the end and I'm glad I persevered. 
• I decided to change my author names Cara Rachel Ward (which I used to house my Weighting to Live series on Amazon) and C.R. Ward (which I used to house my Thirty Minute Tales on Amazon) back to to Cara Ward, but keep the books separate on the three author pages. I separated my books originally because of the Amazon algorithm, and the books all being in various genres, but seeing them under different names really jarred with me. Now they are all under Cara Ward again, it has made me feel much better, I just wish they were together on one author page instead of three. Saying that, for now, it's the best option I can think of and at least they are just under one name again. 
• As part of my Weighting to Live series, I decided to create a paperback with Changes, Sixteen Months and Plus Uno which I have called The Final Chapters. I have already done a paperback like this before (under the name The Triple Bill) but decided against it, until recently when I realised it was daft not having the whole series available as a paperback. I am happy with the cover, too, thanks to my dear friend, Canva (below). 
  
  
  
  

In mid-September, just as I was about to concentrate on editing the eight short stories I'd written from the end of 2019 till Summer 2020, everything changed and I basically downed tools and threw myself into all things TSW. If you weren't aware, TSW stands for Topical Steroid Withdrawal which was the drug withdrawal I went through from June 2013 to August 2015 because my skin was reliant on steroids which I had been using to treat my eczema that I'd suffered from since I was a baby. Basically, I had grown out of my original eczema but didn't realise as I had developed a dependency to the steroids and the only way to get better was to stop using them (please note, I am not a medical professional and I'm certainly not offering medical advice). When I went through TSW, I was basically housebound from my symptoms, it was horrific, but after two years, I ended up with the best skin of my life. What made me concentrate on TSW stuff again was the fact that an American dermatologist (who shall remain nameless) thought it would be acceptable to market their steroid cream as a 'household essential' and a 'dream cream'. It was possibly one of the most irresponsible marketing campaigns I have ever seen for what is essentially a very serious medication. After three weeks of basically fighting this company morning, noon and night, the company were forced to add warnings to their website listing for it. It wasn't perfect, but it truly showed what is possible if you don't give up and fight for what you believe in. Since then, I have been fighting other TSW-related injustices, like dermatologists giving out shoddy medical advice and eczema associations who have continued to deny the potential dangers of these drugs, especially for those who suffer from eczema, as steroids are the first line treatment for the condition. 

In fighting against the 'dream cream' company, it sparked a side of me that I didn't know existed. Before September I had spent over five years since recovering doing what I could to help people going through TSW, but when everything happened with this company and their 'dream cream', I think I truly realised just how passionate I am that no one else has to suffer, like I did, because sadly what happened to me was completely preventable. Right now, there are thousands (if not millions - and I'm not even being dramatic) of people around the world that think they just have severe eczema when instead they are addicted to the medication that is meant to be helping them. It's a joke. 

Well anyway, up until a week ago, all things TSW had completely dominated my life and in October 2020 when we'd had our little victory against the 'dream cream' company, I slowly but surely returned to writing and began editing my short stories. Before I share how the editing process has been, in last blog post I mentioned briefly that I'd been doing some thinking about my short stories. In a nutshell, I've decided to collate the eight short stories that I've already self-published, along with the ones I've been editing recently (bar one which I plan to self-publish separately), and put them in one book with the goal of getting them traditionally published. 

I am very close to finishing editing them, so I'll try my best to give you an abridged version (lol) of how the editing process has been. 

On Friday 20th October I started editing the eight short stories. It's been a relatively simple process where I will read through and edit each short story, then separately, my mum will do exactly the same, before we come together and go through our edits. It's a system that works very well for me. They say to never let a loved one, like a parent, edit your work, but the beauty of my mum is 1. I respect her opinion and 2. She wants the best for me so she will be completely honest. This doesn't mean I listen to her every single time, but we are definitely on the same page and make a good team. We are currently on the fifth round of edits, which we should finish in the next few days. After that, we will do one more round of edits before one final read through together. I have banned myself from reading them anymore after that because the last thing I want is for the stories to be almost sterile. I think that's the danger with over-editing, you run the risk of losing character. 

I have to say, I have had the BEST time editing them. It's actually been so much fun. Like I said earlier, up until recently, I hadn't spent a lot of time editing them because of everything TSW related, but last week, I was able to concentrate on them fully and since then, I can't believe how much I've been able to do. 

What has been an absolute joy in editing them is seeing the stories come together. Almost like pruning a rose bush; cutting away the dead and diseased parts and seeing it bloom and glow. Slowly but surely they have come together and I'm so happy with them. 

Personally, it's also been a really positive time and since last September, some amazing people have come into my life. It has also been a time of real growth. When I say, 'I've changed', I really have. Over the last five months I have become stronger as a person and will never let anyone treat me badly again - and this is coming from someone who has spent most of their life being a doormat. It's been quite life-changing actually. 

I am still furloughed from my job, and it looks like I will be for quite some time yet, and whilst I obviously wish that Covid wasn't a thing, I am grateful for the time it has given me to fight for TSW and be able to work on writing full-time, along with learning so much about myself as a person. 

The only negative personally came recently when I realised I was using my phone waaaaaay too much and had literally no boundaries to the point that I ran myself into the ground (again). That, on top of some women that made Instagram a not very nice place to be, I had to force myself to completely come off social media and take some time away from my phone. I logged out of Instagram on Sunday 24th January and since then, bar a rather dramatic panic attack in bed that night, I've found myself slowly but surely unwinding. Last week was difficult at times mentally, but now that I've had some real time away from my phone, I feel transformed. It's like a dark cloud has been lifted, it's incredible. 

Also, last week, after literally MONTHS, I started reading again, and had completely forgotten what a pleasure it is to read. Now, most nights, I look forward to nothing more than curling up in bed with a book. I truly believe it's what helped me recover mentally since taking a step away from my phone and social media. 

I plan to return to Instagram etc. after I have applied to the literary agents, but before I do, I will be putting in some serious boundaries so I don't slip back into bad habits. 

For the next few weeks my goal is to finish the short stories and simultaneously make a list of all the literary agents I want to contact. I am going to attempt to update this blog a little more as I go through the submission process because this blog will always first and foremost be my personal writing journey. I am going into the process realistic about my chances as most literary agents don't represent them so the odds are stacked against me, but just like they say in The Hunger Games, hopefully the odds will be in my favour. No matter what, I'm excited for the ride because life is meant to be one giant adventure after all, isn't it?

Until next time

Cara x