I am doing this post because all I want to do is give up. I'd like to sneak away in the dead of night then huddle in the corner of a dark cave, abandoning any hopes of writing for a living, and just stare at the ceiling of my new stone home. I feel awful. I want to stuff my face with chocolate (because there is a dangerous amount of it in my house right now) and forget that I ever wanted to try in the first place. In the last ten years I have completely changed as a person, but there are times when the old me will appear and try and wreak bloody havoc. Today I feel like the old spirit Cara has invaded my body. I want to cry - sob - and partake in old destructive behaviours, like giving up.
Yesterday, I actually felt ok. I basically spent the day reading through the eight short stories I've been editing with Mum. As we don't live together, we read them out over the phone. We did them from morning to night, only stopping for lunch. For most of the day, I felt so happy and at peace with the whole process. I was all about embracing the unknown and generally felt very happy with the stories. Towards the end of the day, when we were reading through the last half of the last short story, I lost the will to live, but it was fine in the end and mostly down to hunger and not getting enough sleep. Last night I went to bed satisfied that I would be sending the stories to the agents in the best shape I could make them and they will either like them or they won't.
Today though, feelings of inadequacy have become almost unbearable and a dialogue something along the lines of YOU ARE A TERRIBLE WRITER, WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOTHERING has been running around my brain on a loop. I am really struggling. I actually feel sick to my stomach right now. It's overwhelming. I feel like I know nothing. I think these feelings were triggered when I continued to work on the synopsis for each short story and tried to put them all in the right order. I then decided to just quickly look at what every agent wanted, and it just set me off.
I know I will feel better again, but for now, I'm just stuck in this black hole and can't imagine finding a way out of it.
I am being very hard on myself right now, and if someone else were to treat me the way I'm treating myself, I'd never want to speak to them again as they'd be one of the most toxic people I'd ever met in my life.
I'm going to eat some lunch, have some chocolate (that won't be half as indulgent as this post has been), then remind myself that tomorrow is another day.
Until next time
Cara x
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